The king of all marketing campaigns

I have learned this week that an impending royal inauguration can turn the mundane act of grocery shopping into a thing of joy and wonder.
 
I'm not particularly fond of grocery shopping.  I cope with it by sending myself into a Trolley Trance - a little known meditative state that sees me absent-mindedly strolling the aisles, half napping, half eyeing off the chocolate bars, looking at all the pretty colours, until I end up at the check-out with a full enough trolley.  It is generally only after I return home that I realise I purchased everything except the very item I went in to buy. As a consequence, and to avoid returning to the supermarket too often, I have developed an enviable level of domestic culinary agility, including the production of low down family favourites such as fish stew with sausages (but no fish), lasagne-less lasagne and herb-crusted lamb with missing herbs.
 
Having said that, grocery shopping in the lowlands has been extra challenging for me. Although there is no shortage of supermarkets, they are typically quite small, with aisles that are really too short  and too few in number to induce a sustained Trolley Trance. Most Dutch supermarkets also stock a limited range of products, which can at times necessitate visiting three different stores in order to source all of the ingredients required for a simple meal.  This often invokes a growling Trolley Troll, rather than a peaceful Trolley Trance.

Adding to the complexity, the Dutch approach to product placement is something I have not yet been able to fully understand. It takes quite a bit of skill to work out that the pineapple rings will be beside the corned beef and bottled frankfurts . . . on the off chance that you might be in the market for bottled frankfurts.

It's also handy to know that the spring rolls can be found next to the icy poles in the freezer section.

 

And that the laundry detergent is beside the pet food, which is conveniently located next to the potatoes.

But all of my petty frustrations with Dutch supermarkets evaporated this week. It seems there's nothing like a big Dutch occasion for bringing out the very best in the big Dutch marketing departments.

To give you an example, and to get you in the mood, let me backtrack a few months. I feel it's not too insensitive, now that the national devastation has eased a little, to highlight one of my favourite examples of Dutch marketing brilliance.  One particular personal hygiene manufacturer added to the anticipatory frenzy and performance pressure on the Dutch national football team during last year's European Cup by producing toilet paper printed with cute orange football-kicking dogs and the encouraging words "hup Holland hup". Ned Nederlander took a roll back to Australia for a friend who gave it to her 12 year old son, with instructions that it was to be put on his special "treasures" shelf, never to be used. It was cute; we all felt a little guilty using it for its intended purpose. The fact that Holland got well and truly poohed on in the opening round made it even more special.

But it's Queens Day that really gets the creative juices going in marketing departments. Especially a Queen's Day with a baton change between a mother and her son.  Inauguration-inspired grocery marketing has made supermarket shopping fun again.

I nearly fell into my trolley when I spotted this gem yesterday.

Talk about taking advantage of the extended cold weather - just rug up and make a nice big pot of King's Soup.  Five hundred grams of carrots, an orange capsicum, a brown (let's call it gold) onion, a couple of gold-wrapped stock cubes, an orange, and a sprig of rosemary, all together in a right royal orange packet. Had I been asked, I would have suggested they add a sweet potato.

The next aisle brought more jewels.  The 30 April (Queens Day) edition of cream of tomato soup. Note the little crown on the left of the label, because let's face it, tinned soup makes anyone feel like royalty, right?  On the right of the photo you can also make out a lovely biscuit tin bearing Queen Beatrix's face. So many collector's items, my trolley runneth over.

The biscuit manufacturers are clearly pursuing a strategy of packaging diversity. Not only have they produced a lovely tin with Queen Beatrix's smiling face (above), but they have also produced one with Wil-Al and Maxima (right), which is certain to appeal to younger generations. Personally, I couldn't choose between them so I had to get five of each.

I was truly delighted to also find that the local coffee makers weren't going to be left behind in the marketing stakes, offering a free unique spoon, and some special orange packaging for Tuesday's coronation.

And should you like a small treat to accompany your coffee, may I recommend King's Waffles?  Same recipe as last week, but a different - orange of course - packaging.



It's almost too obvious, given that we are celebrating the Oranje-Nassau family's rule, so I shouldn't have been surprised to discover that orange juice was not immune from the Queens Day treatment either. Like so many things in life, it benefits from the addition of a little French flair because after all, "sinaasappelsap" is a word somewhat lacking in regal grandure. So, if we call it jus d'oranje for a week, and add a crown to our logo, who knows what might happen?





For comparative purposes, the non-coronation packaging is also shown (right). The subtle addition of a crown is obviously perceived to be the key to a good logo upgrade.



  

The canny manufacturers of this bottle of €4.99 merlot seem to be targeting those with a taste for understated elegance and an inability to recognise that floral undertones are not usually associated with merlot. All power to them.

 



 

Of course, as any Marketing 101 student will tell you, the real test of a successful campaign is being able to sell something that consumers didn't even know they needed.

 

So, I've saved the jewel in the Koningennedag marketing crown for last. Orange revellers, I give you Royal W's. 

 

Who knew that we all needed something as unbelievably brilliant but undeniably essential as Royal W's? Of course we do. I certainly hope we do, given the number of packets that I squeezed into my shopping trolley! What an honour it must be for a king to have a "savoury corn snack with a cheese taste" produced in the shape of his initial.

Inspired by all of these irreverent Dutch marketing types, I find myself desperately hoping that the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to a son. I trust that her people will approve my application to use a photo of Prince William and his son on the label of my gourmet bottled frankfurts range, to be sold under the "Little Willy" label.